Clean your act up.

Dear cousin.

Although I've never seen you rage. I know about it. AND OH. IT'S BAD.
It's not for me to tell you how you should act. But seriously, you're how old? LIKE .FRICKEN 20 in less THAN A FRICKEN YEAR.

She has no confidence to speak up for herself, and she is my family. And so are you. But seriously. Next time reconsider your fricken actions. She's your FRICKEN SISTER. And you still decide to treat her that way. Do you know how much she loves you? Obviously you DON'T. I know that I will regret this once I say this to you. You are well-off. There are people who are MORE unfortunate than you and I will ever be. And that's a FRICKEN PROMISE.

Before you say "Oh, but we have enough cash" etc etc. FRICKEN HELL. PRESERVE YOUR MONEY BITCH. AT LEAST TRY HELP YOUR PARENTS SAVE UP FOR THEIR FRICKEN RETIREMENT. FAH. Do you need any more common sense instilled into your body and mind? Coz if you're parents aren't doing a well enough job of that, I'll be helping them. HAPPILY.
Yeah, wallow in self pity when we tell you off for it. But seriously, sharing an apartment with your sister. Is it REALLY that much of an annoyance to you?  She's going to be your family WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. So I GUESS that YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT. Do you know how much I've wished for an actual blood related sister? If you don't want her. I'll take her. GLADLY.

Gosh I hope my standing up for your sister hasn't made you want to start raging at her and me. Coz you know that we see each other each week, whether you like it or not. So I guess it's actually good to have such a tight-knit family in a way. Run away. Oh where would you go? :)
NO WHERE.
Once your parents get their hands on you. They'll probably be metaphorically strangling you.

Hope you clean up your act soon.

Love,
Your cousin.

You know what?

Sometimes, it would be all that nicer, if you apologised for making assumptions like I have.
I'm not trying to sound up myself or whatever.
I know you're not in the mood to apologise or whatever.
But I'm just saying, it would be nice.
But, don't do it because I asked it of you.

<3

Wow.

Haha, wow, people from around the world are actually reading my blog? This is freaky...OK, maybe it might be that random blog button thingy that you can click...But yeah. STILL.
And um, WHAT?! Some AutoInsurace car company thingy have my link, and so does some phoneservice company.
Wow, never knew that insurance companies and crap would find their way onto blogspot to keep track of some people. This means that anyone who has blogspot can have their blog being watched right?
Or maybe, it's just the privacy thingy which we can set ourselves..?

Ok, I sort of have an idea who reads my blog within my circle of friends without them telling me ROFLs. I know you guys read this because of the internet browser you use. AHAHAHAH. Yeah, blogspot tells us who's been reading it on what type of browser (chrome, safari, opera, etc.). They even tell me what operating system you use.. It's either Windows or Mac so far. YOU GUYS CANT HIDE FROM ME ANYMORE SUCKED IN. LOL.

Yeah, but that's kinda freaky in a way I guess. LOL.

Dum dee dum dee dum....

Dear Radio,

I would like to thank you  for the comfort today. Your lyrics and songs have made it all the easier to make today to live through. Music, I turn to you when everything turns upside down these days. You are my life-saver. Wait. You're second to God.

A chingu,
Grace
****

When you get to read this,  please know that my feelings are explained throughout to you with the lyrics.
I know they sound like love songs. Just ignore the mushy feelings yeah?

Choose You (lyrics video) - Stan Walker
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWIfxuy8psU&feature=related
I hope the lyrics speak out to you,
"Love is just so beautiful
But sometimes it takes work
And the ones you love
At times can leave you so hurt"
Especially the chorus,
"I will choose to love you, yeah
Even though i wanna stay mad
Even though i wanna get angry
Though it may be easier to walk away
I will choose to stay and love you"

Whataya Want From Me - Adam Lambert (only the chorus lyrics speak out though :/ )
"Just don't give up I'm workin it out
Please don't give in, I won't let you down
It messed me up, need a second to breathe"

To you readers who are reading this. Yes, it may sound cheesy to you. Just piss off.

Lalalalala. Yes I may seem like I'm all happy and crap about everything, but I really still do care. I just don't think it's that important to waste our time on bad memories. Resolving, is not classified as a bad issue, if you thought that I meant resovling was a 'bad memory'.
Please don't take it the wrong way. My wording these days are fudged.

Lots of <3 :)

Damnit.

OK. First of all. Blogspot. I'm pissed AT YOU.
WHY THE HELL DID YOU STOP THE EDIT BUTTTON?!
If you didn't, I certainly don't have the button anymore.

But anyways. Back to reality, now, that I have gotten some sort of closure from one of us in the group, I am able to kind of stop worrying so much.
But worry, I will. I will keep worrying until everything is resolved.
It's a habit that I cannot control.
I worry too much.
For once, could I just PLEASE stop sound so self-absorbed.?
I would really like there to be a day called "Stop Being So Fucking Self-Absorbed Day"
That day would go down quite well, to see everyone trying their best to focus their lives onto people surrounding them, and not themselves.
Well, needless to say, psychologists have to have that day everyday. I feel sorry for you, unless you enjoy the job. I'm sure some of you do.

OK. Things that I am greatful for.
I am greatful that I have such great friends in and out of school. I should stop being so judgemental about some of you guys, because seriously, some of you REALLY PISS THE CRAP OUT OF ME. And yet, when something happens to me, you always care. I should throw a party for you guys.
I am greatful for you today. You saw me, you knew I was unwell. Although you do tick me off at times, you really do care for some unknown reason. I love how you cared if I was OK. But I hate the fact that you believed my lie. But I brought that upon myself. But you don't know me that well, so I wouldn't blame you anyways. You haven't even known me for a full year yet..
Japanese. You are who I should be greatful for. Even my closest friends couldn't cheer me up at school today. Thankyou for the joy and laughter you brought me today. Even though the incident that occurred was fricken disgusting. It was fricken HILARIOUS even though I was sitting in the chair that it happened on. 
Japanese, just so you know, even though I'm greatful towards you, you aren't TANGIBLE. So I'm sorry we can never be together.

My dad is watching some French ad on satellite TV. I have to say, it sounds like the sexiest language alive.

Dear Excel SUCCESSONE HSC Biology Workbook,
I really hope that my 30$ was well spent on you today. I hope that we can co-operate well togetherly, so that I can bring you more profits, and that I can get a better ATAR.
LOL.

Better not forget/ make any mistakes in this blog. SINCE WE CAN'T EDIT ANYMORE.

30 seconds after posting.
OK....That's weird... O.O the edit button is back in town...

Words are being misunderstood. As again, my blog has communicated the wrong message to a reader, and I'm sorry for it.

I don't want this to go on.

Some things are better when kept in the dark.

Don't you think? I'm not saying there is anything at the moment.
I just felt like mentioning since....

They're being nosy again. And I mean real nosy. Just to keep you informed.



About us.

To compose. And not to compose.

I really don't know what to say to you.
I just really want to explain everything to you in a non-attitude way. If it's possible, could we just try that?
I'm happy that you're happy from the retreat, and when I read about it, I was sorry about starting everything. And getting you into a foul mood.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I'm trying my best to not give you attitude, because i know that if I give you attitude (sort of like the way Karen did at YG), you would get heaps pissed, and nothing would be resolved.

You are the best thing that's happened to me. Well..apart from being born to be able to meet you I guess..? I don't want to lose you. I just REALLY hope we can get through all of this, and that we can be upfront to each one of us in the group when something happens.

Yes, attitude will be thrown in everyone's direction, but in a way, it's better to resolve, than to shout and blame.

I will make this clear to you.
I will NOT blame anything on you. In the future, I will try to be more upfront, and so as not to keep things from each other, I will try to tell you in the best, nicest possible way (no sarcasm).
Please, it does actually come to this, could you forgive me for what I've said (about what you read, and that you didn't like the timing etc of it)? I will control my tongue in the future onwards. Let's say I start now? Well, I'll give it my bestest shot. I'd do anything to get us back on track.

I am thinking that while you're reading this, you're thinking,
"Yeah , this is a bit too late.."
Yeah, well, nothing's ever to late to amend. CHINGU (:
And now, you're probably thinking,
"Why are you giving me all this bullcrap on optimism?"

I can only imagine what you're feeling right now, but seriously, I think that we can get over this and start afresh.
Yes, all that was based on assumptions, so I can only ever imagine what you're thinking, but that's what I think you're thinking.

I hope we can still have many more years to come.

Love you lots, whether you do or not.
<3<3
I know you know. I know you know that I know. I know you that I know that you know. I know you know that I know that you know that I know. (:
I hope that never fades. It's too good of a memory.

Karma.

You've had the worst time all those years ago. I would say this all to your face. But we're always surrounded by people, and I don't know when I can get to you to have 'alone time' to just sort things out. And I don't want to talk to you through inbox or whatever because I want it to be face-to-face so that we can see each others reactions.

I gave you shit. And now it's hit back onto me.
I'm actually really happy that you don't have to deal with anything.
Karma's a bitch isn't it.? Not that you would know.
You don't do stuff like this.

I'm staying hopeful that noone knows the incident until we actually talk it out?
Coz I haven't said anything about it.

I swear I'll get back to you on it one day. You know. The weeks after the incident, you were always on my mind. I acted like a bitch. Now I'm getting it straight onto myself.

No sarcasm intended; You. Are. One. LUCKY. Bitch. (:
No this was not a self indulgent piece.
It was simply to say how lucky you are right now.

Please get back to me if you ever happen to stumble upon this, and we've still not talked about it.
<3 you muchly. (:

Hello there. You fuckwit.
To see you previously, already pained me. I know that you are reading this. Don't act all lost when people to tell you to own up to it. Your presence really bugs me, even though I only see you outside of school.
Don't look at me with that fucking fake smile of yours and act all sweet-like. We both know what I'm talking about here.

You think you're that great coz you have a 'gang' that backs you up. WOW. WHOOPEEE. You have a gang. Think again. THEY'RE FRICKEN KIDS WHO'RE YOUNGER THAN YOU. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FRICKEN BRAIN. MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SMOKING TOO MUCH OF WHATEVER YOU DO.
You think that when I shouted at you today was bad. HA. You haven't seen me rage. And let's just say. When I rage, it's not an act that I put on. Like yours.

Go clean yourself up before you lose all dignity.

Lessons are learnt. Hearts are broken. Words are misunderstood. I've been brooding.

Hello to you. You make me feel sane.

I've been going over a lot today. And I've had a lot of different thoughts. Thoughts of how to throw back a retort at you. And thoughts of how not throw back a retort back at you. I really like to replay my replies-to-be over and over again in my head, because it helps not to show so much anger through the message, and create a calmer way of approaching the problem. But then, yet again, you could just call me a freak?
I brooded. Sounds like a chicken.

There is always something worse going out there.
I was brooding. And I found this video. Well not really 'find' more of a 'saw a link on a friends fb wall'. It actually took my mind off of everything for quite sometime today.
You should go check it out sometime when you want to escape from this world.
But I think it'll only work the first time you watch it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xf8G-c_eAhs

Have fun. CHINGU.

HA. everythings fucked.

First of all, I've already told you how sorry I'm feeling right now. I'm not trying to be all self-absorbed right now. But seriously, I'm having chest pains over this. I'm am deeply sorry, if I could've 'think before I open my mouth' this would've never happened. But I guess I'm just too dumb to remember anything of that sort. But this time, it's hit me hard. This time, it's way out of our control. Words have been taken the wrong way, emotions rising up from deep within. Yes. This is cheesy. But true.
Everything's completey fucked up.

Haha, maybe I should be like those hermit nerds at school who stay in the library during breaks.
NOTE - the 'haha' was a sarcastic tone if you couldn't tell.

No joke, it literally feels like I have a hole right through the middle of my chest.

Do you know what I'm thinking right now?
I'm thinking, that if I told you, right this moment, that if I'm just going to move to the 'closer one' to me because I don't want to deal with all this, you probably wouldn't care. That's the vibe that I'm recieveing from you right now.

But now, that I have a week off because I have a fucking fever again since last Friday, 22/10, which I didn't realise yet again until today, I get time to make my health drastically deteriorate more, to preoccupy my thoughts with things that won't be important to us probably in a years time, seeing how things settle, but thoughts that will shape our friendship in a more different way than we ever percieved it to be just a few years ago.What excitement. (note the sarcasm that i would never be able to tell if i was reading someones note)

I really don't want to start a fight. This is me just being honest.
I should've gotten over this way long ago. But I didn't. But THIS really effected me. The year you dogged me. Was the year when everything started and when everything deteriorated. Remember what year it was? I do. Haha. You probably won't even read this.
But seriously, you could never tell either could you. You wouldn't even know. If I didn't tell you right here, right now. Yes, we were young and naive, but to me, that was no excuse to tolerate. You apologised, a heartfelt apology it was. I understand that everyone goes through all different walks of life. Unique and life shaping they are. I accepted your apology. But this was the one thing I never got over.
You really don't know how hard it is. To go through this at such a young age. This was the PRIME time of our lives. The peak of our lives. And to have that, being told to you, it was a like a strong blow to my head, like a hard plank of wood knocking you unconscious in the head. To destroy your ambitions in life. Being told that it was was 'threatening', you never knew.

Now we're equal. But you wouldn't know this. Until you've read this. I'm not going to tell you in reality, because I dont't want to start something that ended a long time ago. Not even on messages, because I don't want to exchange words on this, we've got enough on our plate already, at least on mine. But I think for now, your's is overflowing with different matters of the heart.
I couldn't tell the difference between seriousness and sarcasm. I'm not good at picking sarcasm up on the net if you never knew. But you could never tell all those years ago.
So we're even. On the same page.

Although this is the first 'down' we have, I'll always be here for you, no matter how much you hate me.

Sorry, I would've added a smile to that last bit. I want to add a smile to it. But I can't. I'm not in the mood to smile. Sorry.

fak yew.

damn. I'm sick now. I sort of have a cold, but I think it's more of a yeet-hey, which no gwai lous no what it is =.=
I hate it, my whole body feels like it's on fire, I woke up yesterday morning feeling my whole body aching, and I was so dizzy. Luckily I made it through school..

It could be the sideeffects from the hospital visit on Wednesday, but I doubt it.

Life is gay.
I'm so antisocial these days.
I think I need to start tutoring again. By next term. For now, it's like a holiday for tutoring (:
I swear, I need to like..live in a freezer in those Maccas at the moment, that's how boiling hot I feel.
I've been sweating these two nights while I sleep. EWWWWW. SWEAT SMELLLS.
...Need to create a new edmodo account for school again today. Need to do my Anc Hist notes and my Biology notes as well.
I'm been craving for a Caramel Macchiato these past two weeks...
I need to pee.


IT'S BOILING HOT. FAK YEW.

the first week. of DOOOOM.

WELL, the first week of year12 has offically ended. That was fast. Gaby from SGCS changed to Oatley! I swear, SGCS is so crap, they only have like 40 people left AHAHAH. I'm so glad that I left :)
ANYWAYS
This week has been confusing, joyful, painful-in a physical way, messed up and to summarise today's last BIO C CLASS; `twas sad in a way :(. and BLUDGEFUL-in classes :)

UGHHH. I've had FOUR changes to my timetable, so each time that I had a ONE new change, I would automatically recieve a new timetable, and THEN when the next change was made, the next day, the teachers would come to the classes looking for me and/ or people from our class and/ or our entire class.
It was so annoying, getting confused with which timetable to use.

ANYWAYS, to start off with today's first class. BIOLOGYYY! :D
Well, even though I don't enjoy Bio THAT much, it was still sad to find out thaat our class was going to collapse after today's lesson. We have like literally 10 people in our class, and we were half way through our lesson today, and the head of science, and head of maths (who deals with timetables apparently :/) came into our class and told us the unhappy news :(
We got split into the other 4 remaining bio classes, but I'm greatful that I still have the same teacher, so then my classwork won't be fudged up :)

So, when we recieved our timetables in Biology, I realised that my new Biology and English classes were switched around in their places. I WAS DEVASTATED. I did NOT want to change my English class! I love my English class to bits! Oh wells, four of us have moved out from our Enligh class today anyways.. :(
And, furthermore, I had Biology and English today....WHICH MEANT that I would've had double Biology today LOOOL. but then the last period of the double would be a bludge and I could've gone straight home after recieving the timetable..but I decided to soldier on, following my old timetable for today.
DAMN I SOUND SO GAY.

AND LOOOOOOOOOOOL in English today, our teacher reminded us of how we set up the tables two days ago for the HSC, and she asks us "Did any of you watch the ABC news last night?" and we were all like "....No?" and she goes, "The cameraman took shots of a few yr12s doing the HSC from the top, and THE TABLES LOOKED SENSATIONALLL!!!! WELL DONE!"
omg. like ROFLMAO. all she cared about was the tables, and we all though it would something else of greater importance... =.=

Hate education. That is all.

sunshine. lollipops.

tch. i dont like sunshines. i like grey days. but i do love thy lollipops (:

Today. We. Recieved. Our. Timetable.
FREE PERIODS. THE JOY. AT LAST.

i feel joy. its REALLLY uncomfortable because things are 'jor joo'-ing me. its SO FRIGGEN UNCOMFORTABLE! i really hope its just monthlies..

WE GOT FREE ICE CREAM/BLOCKS AT SCHOOL TODAY TO CELEBRATE (why am I typing in caps..?) the end of yr11 and the start of yr12. The announcement on the speakers for it was um. pretty gay.
Everyone in classes just had this blank expression on their faces. Didn't excite us that much.
This is what it sounded like,
Deputy: "This is a message from your school SRC representatives" (or w/e they call the prefectures WHATEVER)
School Captain: "Year 12, this is a really important notice regarding your HSC"
One of our SRC: "Hey guys! Just joking! There's going to be free ice cream in the courtyard in break 2"
etcetc.

That was the climax.

It was "Home Ice Cream". I've always wanted to try that brand, but since you could only buy it when the truck driver rang the bell when they drive pass your place, I really can't be bothered. I was expecting some crappy, homebrand woolies taste. BUT IT TASTED NICEEE :D YOMMY. and then Ruth and I started to sing the ad jingle.
"Hoooooooooooooooooome Ice Cream. We like, Hoooooooooooooooooooooome Ice Cream. The name that rings a belll! *ding ding*"
Yeah. that's how gay we are (Y) (:

AND AHAHAHAHA. LAST PERIOD (English). WAS GREAT. We did nothing at school these past three days. All we've done is go through our Prelims marks, and sit around like hobos in class not listening to our teachers explaining marks and resolutions. AHAHAH. OMG. So in English, we had to go to the Gym and set up the tables and stuff to get ready for the HSC exams. And LOOOL. Lucy and I went to the toilet upstairs, THEY ARE FRICKEN MASSIVE. THEY HAVE LIKE. 8 SHOWERS IN THERE. 5 TOILET CUBICLES. Which is like, twice the size of a normal public cubicle. Possibly even three. AND OH. EMMM. GEEE. They had this LONGASS bench in there. which was like. a fricken catwalk. NO JOKE. And Lucy went all high and walked all over it. ROFLMAO. We were bored after we set the tables up. So we went up there. WHY DID WE NOT KNOW ABOUT THESE TOILETS PREVIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?

OMG. You do NOT know how crappily the guys in our class set the tables up. They were NOT in line. and strewn EVERYWHEREERERE. OK. Not that exaggerated, but it was pretty crap :/ And our teacher was counting the tables rows, and she goes to us "SHIT. We need 2 more here" LOOOL. She's a nice sub :) She got transferred from Penshurst to Oatley :)

And, so while we were in the toilet, well, we must've spent like, 20 mins in there LITERALLY. Coz by the time we came out, everyone was gone back to the classroom, and the janitor was at the door, starting to switch the lights off. We were walking down the stairs, and we see him, and he looked at us, he recognised us, coz he also helped with the setting up. And he's wide-eyed and smiles a nervous smile and goes "HEYYY!", being all surprised that we were still here. ROFLMAO. If I didn't suggest that we should leave, HE WOULD'VE LOCKED US IN THERE LMAOO!!! And we just laughed all the way back to class. Funness :)

Then we were given our HSC syllabus for English in class afterwards, and the teacher told Lucy to read it out aloud. AH. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHAH! We were so high. We could swear there was something in those iceblocks they gave us. ANYWAYS. So Lucy started to read,  and I started to read it with her in a soft whisper. OMG ROFLMAO. She didn't want to laugh, and guess what she does?! She pulls my head underneath the desk, and makes me stay there for the whole half a page reading time...SHAT SHES STRONG. ..And it looked like I was giving her a head...and the teacher goes, "Are you ok Grace?" AND LOOL. I'm just down there, LAUGHING my ass off, trying to get back up.
And guess what Hassan says to me..
"You'd give her a head, but not me.."
NO HASSAN. NO. ROFLMAO.
Hassan is cool. So is Adam. Is that how you spell his name? Because our house leader pronouned his name "Ad-ham" ANYWAYS. Adam was also told to read, and LOL. He kept getting tongue tied, and the teacher kept correcting/'helping' him read, and he was frustrated. ROBIN. AHAHAHAH. The teacher was thinking about Peter Pan instead of "Robin Hood: The Prince of Thieves", when she was talking to him. LOL

And this is what my diary entries are like. Except that they're in pen.
And in a journal.

Twas an eventful day that lifted my spirits :)

AHAHHAHAHAHAHA.

and now. i'm on a high, even though things are still depressing.

I welcome myself back to blogspot. and decide to rage.

Hi there.
Life has been crazy these few weeks. Well for me anyways. I don't want to sound all self-absorbed when I'm typing my blogs, but blogs are like, kinda meant to be about you aren't they? Hmmm. Tell me if I'm wrong.

Well, it's time to rage.
OK. Let's get one thing straight before people decide to talk to me about my blogs, after they finish reading it. Previously, people thought that my blogs were about them and they got all pissed. So, before you talk to me about my blogs, be 100% sure that it's about you before you start to rage at me.

These past three weeks, I've been getting THE crappiest rest, but for you, it's worth it. As you know my condition, I have to get enough rest or else it'll deteriorate drastically. Everything's spiralled out of control in my life. I feel like I've lost touch with you. To admit, I'm a little jealous of her. Yes. There. I said it. I'm jealous of her. But I guess karma has hit me now...Back when we were young, I kinda did the same thing to her. So now it's given me a slap in my face. I'm insecure about us, and where we're at right now. I feel like I don't even know you that well anymore. We've gone through so much, I feel like I'm losing you more and more each day. All I need is some reassurance that we'll stay like this forever. <3 Yeah. I know. I sound like some sopping, wet puppy dog that you have to drag around. Constantly.

I wake up thinking and worrying about you. I go to bed constantly thinking and worrying about you. When I used to think about you, it made me calm. But these few weeks, I think I've started to get wrinkles from the brow creasing I get over you.

Way to start off year 12. One of the most crucial years of our education. Everything's depressing. I've been trying to act 'normal'. It's polished off quite well don't you think? These few years, the way I've acted around people isn't even the real me..

I've been like a third wheel to everyone these few weeks. I avoid life when I'm without you. (NTS-grace, stop making this sound like it's about a guy...). seriously. Just fuck everything. That's been my motto for these recent weeks.

Did you know, you're the one person that I can't read? Your personality. Your reactions. I can't predict them, like I can with everyone else's.  That's what I REALLY love about you. You make life joyous. And worthwhile for me.

Enough with the depression.
Fuck this.