First of all, I've already told you how sorry I'm feeling right now. I'm not trying to be all self-absorbed right now. But seriously, I'm having chest pains over this. I'm am deeply sorry, if I could've 'think before I open my mouth' this would've never happened. But I guess I'm just too dumb to remember anything of that sort. But this time, it's hit me hard. This time, it's way out of our control. Words have been taken the wrong way, emotions rising up from deep within. Yes. This is cheesy. But true.
Everything's completey fucked up.
Haha, maybe I should be like those hermit nerds at school who stay in the library during breaks.
NOTE - the 'haha' was a sarcastic tone if you couldn't tell.
No joke, it literally feels like I have a hole right through the middle of my chest.
Do you know what I'm thinking right now?
I'm thinking, that if I told you, right this moment, that if I'm just going to move to the 'closer one' to me because I don't want to deal with all this, you probably wouldn't care. That's the vibe that I'm recieveing from you right now.
But now, that I have a week off because I have a fucking fever again since last Friday, 22/10, which I didn't realise yet again until today, I get time to make my health drastically deteriorate more, to preoccupy my thoughts with things that won't be important to us probably in a years time, seeing how things settle, but thoughts that will shape our friendship in a more different way than we ever percieved it to be just a few years ago.What excitement. (note the sarcasm that i would never be able to tell if i was reading someones note)
I really don't want to start a fight. This is me just being honest.
I should've gotten over this way long ago. But I didn't. But THIS really effected me. The year you dogged me. Was the year when everything started and when everything deteriorated. Remember what year it was? I do. Haha. You probably won't even read this.
But seriously, you could never tell either could you. You wouldn't even know. If I didn't tell you right here, right now. Yes, we were young and naive, but to me, that was no excuse to tolerate. You apologised, a heartfelt apology it was. I understand that everyone goes through all different walks of life. Unique and life shaping they are. I accepted your apology. But this was the one thing I never got over.
You really don't know how hard it is. To go through this at such a young age. This was the PRIME time of our lives. The peak of our lives. And to have that, being told to you, it was a like a strong blow to my head, like a hard plank of wood knocking you unconscious in the head. To destroy your ambitions in life. Being told that it was was 'threatening', you never knew.
Now we're equal. But you wouldn't know this. Until you've read this. I'm not going to tell you in reality, because I dont't want to start something that ended a long time ago. Not even on messages, because I don't want to exchange words on this, we've got enough on our plate already, at least on mine. But I think for now, your's is overflowing with different matters of the heart.
I couldn't tell the difference between seriousness and sarcasm. I'm not good at picking sarcasm up on the net if you never knew. But you could never tell all those years ago.
So we're even. On the same page.
Although this is the first 'down' we have, I'll always be here for you, no matter how much you hate me.
Sorry, I would've added a smile to that last bit. I want to add a smile to it. But I can't. I'm not in the mood to smile. Sorry.
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